It’s a part of my existence, only having in-the-ball-park words to work with, having to get used to the idea that the fear of stress makes fluid conversation only a partly achievable goal, when once they just rolled off my tongue.
It’s like “I wouldn’t think you had a stroke”; What are we supposed to look like after one? I know what I look like after months of swimming, skipping and push ups… I know that I like my body more now then before. I don’t think a doctor will give me a grant based on the slight drag in my left leg, my core is solid, and my arms and legs are worked without being bulky as that of a body builder and now I don’t have a flabby bum. I wear a size 34/32 inch pair of old Levi 501s now; I once wore a 38/32 generous cut of the same. I don’t use my stick when walking around Durban anymore too.
It’s like “He didn’t get out of bed in the morning.” And it was the faeries who did the laundry for six and cooking and cleaning for the same… Yes I do go into neutral sometimes, it’s worse when I have to corral too many butterflies at any one time. I also have to pace myself more now then I did before that morning in the darkroom while at university when everything changed. When I am in neutral it’s my brain working through a detour. A stroke just damages a part of the brain; it then works out another way through like a track through the bush alongside what was once a flowing highway, this can take time, I don’t stay in neutral for long, it’s just long enough to get sorted out again. Yes I do get very tired but after a nap of about a hour I am normally good!
I don’t have a full time job, so I am doing 3 pro Deo murals for a local church in south Durban and it’s been a long and slow process. Starting with the scale sketches which have to be in end-colour and approved by the client, the boards have to be whitened in preparation for a yellow chalk grid that aids the outlines for the mural it’s self… I procrastinate with my e mails before carrying on with the job at hand, it seems just to much for me… But one chalk line is finished at a time; and with some lunch in me I get all the chalk work done. I was just in neutral, I was tired, but I now know the signs and know that I can still push through though maybe a bit slower at times then before but now with much more eye to detail which is also a slide over from the stroke too. Oops, there is another in-the-ball-park word that works quite well too…
I pull my body through the sharp bright winter’s water, I count down today’s 40 circuits of the swimming pool. As I come up for breath, I think over all the ‘already has beens’ and paranoid thought that float around in my head. My almost daily swims in the cold winter water have been as much a time for intense thought as it is for strengthening a post stroke body, I guess I can’t change what people may or may not think.
I can live my life as best as I can on a daily basis, I can get up again when ever I fail and I know that truth always comes out in the end. I am a little brain by design, God is my creator, he has the big brain, he knows all things by his own design; because of my perspective I cannot see all things all the time.
As I swim the pool, the water’s cold horizon dips and sways, my eyes sting from the same and I battle to know if I have done 38 or 39 circuits. I know that I am pushing through, one day at a time, through the stinging blur I come up to the edge of the pool; I have another 40 circuits to my credit with many more to come.
I went ‘cold turkey’ on my statins, I have given statins the boot for ever.
In one sentence, statins are a group of drugs used for cholesterol control, I have been on a daily dose of 20 mg statins since my stroke in 2012 till about 6 weeks ago.
I went for a Cranio Sacral session with Felicity Fernandes RCST she got me reading up about the side effects of statins that I was on at the time. It seems to me that these are ‘bad for me’ drugs; while on statins I am anxious, cannot focus on the task at hand, when in a crisis I can not remember what I had said or did just the day before, I was also confused at times. The added gastric problems and aches and pain were the least of my troubles, I have to declare too though that while on statins my cholesterol levels did come down to more acceptable levels.
My cholesterol levels are down to around 5.3, my homeopath Dr Bryan Long is now happy with the decision that I took on my own. Dr Long has put me on some ‘alternative’ cholesterol control measures, tissue salts, cardio aspirins and the like and we will review my situation as time goes by.
I feel more alive now then any time since when I emerged from Northdale Hospital into what I believe became a 3 year statin induced stupor. Satins should only be prescribed when dietary measures have not worked.
Off statins I feel more clear headed, I am a lot less anxious, can now remember those events from the day before, I dream again and I can remember them in the morning too, I am coping better in confrontations too.
I don’t want a life walking around in a stupor, I would rather be dead. I am hopeful regarding Dr Long’s control measures, plus passing through the bright white light via a stroke would not that bad to go in the end…
I have always been a little off the edge and I guess I will now always be.
Louis, at the time was nine years old, he has Spinal Muscular Atrophy. A debilitating disease which causes progressive degeneration of the muscles.
6 photographs and 6 captions;
• Louis lives with his mother and sister at their home in Johannesburg, South Africa.
• Louis’ sister stands and models her new underclothes while he is confined to his wheelchair.
• Children with a variety of disabilaties play together at Hope School.
• Louis is nine years old, he has Spinal Muscular Atrophy.
• Louis looks on as a friend jumps off a wall at Hope School in Johannesburg, South Africa.
• A disabled child walks with the aid of crutches down the passages of Hope School a school for the disabled.